Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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