y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
