I CAN MOONWALK!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
