I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
