i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
