He disabled his match.com account in front of me
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she looked like the before picture.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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