Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
