I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
