wakey wakey hands off snakey
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just invented taco cereal.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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