I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
