Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
