I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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