If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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