you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
