so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
