I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
