Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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