Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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