a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
