I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
