I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
