I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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