She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
