In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
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