he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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