You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
