my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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