New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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