She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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