If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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