i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
