when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
