i wish there were pregnant emoticons
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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