He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize