i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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