Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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