That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Randomize
