i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
