Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
