What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
