Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
