If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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