Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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