Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I want a musical about memes.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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