i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
