I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
