She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
