apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
