I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
