I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
