Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
