mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize