if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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