so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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