what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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