i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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