I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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