I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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