he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am naked and annoyed.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
