I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
