John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
